Leo’s Coney Island

July 4, 2011

Leo’s is a chain hot dog  joint first opened in 1972. There is only one Chicago location (Lakeview – fairly close to Wrigley Field). This place is great because it is really cheap, and the food is better than what you will find at most greasy spoon diner-style restaurants. The menu is large and varied, featuring a mix of hot dogs, sausages, burgers, salads and Greek items.

The cornerstone of the menu is the Coney Island Dog. This Detroit-style tube steak is a snap dog with chili, mustard and onions on a steamed bun. It is a great hot dog, but if you eat more than one you seriously need to remain close to a toilet for the rest of the day. I am not joking. Eating things like this can easily lead to a horrific, jeans-ruining shart. There is also a Chicago Dog, and many other items can be topped with the delicious (albeit very salty) chili. I had the chili cheese fries, and the resulting stool looked like the power brick for my Xbox 360.

Another attractive thing about this place is that they have quality craft beers for $3/bottle. I am talking Bell’s and Goose Island. If you live in some piece-of-shit hick town and do not think that sounds like a good deal, you can straight fuck off.

If you visit the Chicago location, ask for Alex and tell him that Flatulator sent you. He will give you a Coney Dog with extra chili and an adult diaper.


Get To Know Flatulator: Justin Bieber

July 4, 2011

I am neither gay nor a pedophile, but I would skull-fuck my great-grandmother’s corpse for the opportunity to baptize J-Dog’s vanilla back-gash.

Homebrewers Association | News: 2011 Zymurgy Best Beers in America

July 2, 2011

Homebrewers Association | News: 2011 Zymurgy Best Beers in America.

This is a good list. Nice to see Two Hearted and Torpedo doing well. I’m not even sure that I can get Russian River in Chicago. It’s interesting to note how many strong IPAs are getting high ratings. I rate them highly for helping me to avoid feeling feelings and giving me gas that sounds like a lawnmower being started in a tar pit.

Podcast: Uhh Yeah Dude

June 30, 2011

I listen to shitloads of podcasts. I listen to so many that trying to keep up with them means I rarely listen to music anymore. My favorite show is Uhh Yeah Dude, a comedy podcast started in 2006. UYD is hosted by Seth Romatelli and Jonathan Larroquette (son of the actor John Larroquette), two 30-something guys living in Hollywood.

Uhh Yeah Dude is approximately one hour long and a new episode is posted every Monday. Part of the show is essentially commentary on funny/interesting news and pop culture gathered by Seth during his extensive weekly research sessions. The other main part of the show involves personal stories from the hosts’ eclectic histories. Seth, for example, moved from Massachusetts  to LA to become an actor. His biggest role turned out to be starring alongside Britney Spears  in the ‘film’ Crossroads. Jonathan was a spoiled, drug-abusing hippie for much of his youth, and the stories coming out of that lifestyle need to be heard to be believed.

The show is so consistently good because of the chemistry between the hosts and their ability to be very funny about nearly any topic. There is a number to leave messages that are listened to before each show, and Jonathan gives out his personal cell number so that fans can call and text him, although his financial difficulties have led to the phone being disconnected on more than one occasion.

Uhh Yeah Dude is nearing episode 300, but all of the Episodes are available for free on iTunes. Here is good example of what you have been missing:

Mattkins Diet: An Introduction

June 30, 2011

Mattkins Diet: The Comprehensive Alcohol-Based Guide to Superlative Health®*

Mattkins Diet® is an idea for a diet/fitness plan that came to me several years ago while I was trying to lose a few pounds. The thought of drinking less made me want to put my head in the oven, as did the idea of becoming obese. I knew that certain lifestyle compromises involving diet and exercise would need to be implemented were I to be a relatively fit lush.

This is not a plan describing the greatest health regimen in the world. Could an individual maintain better health by abstaining from alcohol or by drinking moderately instead of following the advice presented in this plan? The answer is yes. This is a plan for individuals who value the role of alcohol consumption in their lives to such a degree that they are willing to accept the consequences of their drinking while at the same time trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle in every other conceivable respect. Are you unprepared to live with the fact that, as a part of the Mattkins Diet, you cannot have 8 beers at night and two Egg McMuffins in the morning? If so, you may lack the discipline necessary for this strict lifestyle decision.

Stay tuned for many more posts outlining the details of the plan. And remember, only you can be you® (this might be the slogan for the plan).

Do not attempt to steal this idea. I have a vicious pack of intellectual property attorneys on retainer who would love nothing more than to turn your life into dog shit.

* In case you are completely fucking retarded, my first name is Matt.

Movie Idea: Come Mutiny

June 22, 2011

Disclaimer: I am a non-homophobic straight.

This movie is a gay porn featuring a group of (butt) pirates who wish to commandeer their ship and alter their final destination in violation of their Captain’s direct orders. The “climax” will feature a graphic bukkake scene wherein the crew spray so much jizz in the Captain’s face that he suffocates and the crew is free to travel to Tortuga.

I have told several people about this idea, and they are worried that NBC Universal might sue me. This is unlikely. Even if I were to model my film on the television program ‘Community’, my vision would be protected by modern courts as a valid parody. See ‘Harry Pooter And The Sorcerer’s Bone’, ‘Shaving Ryan’s Privates’ and ‘Sex Trek: The Next Penetration’. As it is, I am simply playing on the word community, so I should not encounter any obstacles as I begin production.

Beer Of The Moment: Goose Island IPA

June 22, 2011

Style: English India Pale Ale (IPA)

ABV: 5.90%

This is my favorite Goose Island beer, and an excellent example of an extremely well-balanced IPA. This beer is very hoppy, evidenced by the intense citrus oil/rind aroma. There is some slight balancing sweetness from the malt, but the hops are are dominant.

This beer is crisp without the over-the-top hoppiness that can make some extreme IPAs difficult to consume in volume. Goose Island IPA is a good stand-by and a model of what a straight-up IPA should be.